Making The Fatal Move

Now everything is clear to me and I was right to myself. Though I'm really heartbroken but at least I now know that I can start to put it aside and slowly forget about it..hopefully...

I have to admit to myself that I made the wrong move...that made my friends shake their heads after I told them. Well, I'll just take it as a lesson learnt. There are just many things in life that you can't have everything..I've kept some stuffs to myself and decided even if I were to say, it'll be pointless because everything had already been concluded.

The few days I had was quite terrible. I felt like a girl. Felt like as if I was a girl...I didn't know I actually fell that deep...and right now, I'm still recuperating from it. Hope this will not take long..
Ultimately, no matter what obstacles that I have to go through, I had to overcome it and I'm very sure the culprit to create all these obstacles was God but He did this to me for a reason. The reason to - grow.

I felt reborned..

It was a rainy day today. Booked my IPPT but I wasn't expecting rain though. I kept hesitating about whether to take the test..I even called up Mindef to check that if I were to skip it, will I be charged as AWOL but the operator on the line told me that it was alright. So I decided not to take it. That was 2pm in the afternoon while it was still raining heavily.

It was 4pm, the rain had stopped and I think I'm kinda fickle-minded..I asked my brother if I should go for my ippt. He gave me that look and added that it's my choice, I have to be decisive about it..('that look' was the look down on me facial expression..he thinks that I'm not capable of doing well for the test)

So, in the end, I still decided to take my test all because my brother also mentioned that if I waited the whole day just for the test and because of the rain, I decided not to go, then wouldn't that mean I wasted the whole of my day? Well,this statement from him really made me just change out straightaway from my room and headed right out the door for the test.

I'm out! The bus was slow, my test starts at 5pm, it was 4.15pm. It'll take me like an hour to get to camp. I was really nervous throughout the whole journey. I prayed to God that He'll give me the strength to do well for the test. For the past 2 years in NS, I've been achieving Gold for my IPPTs. So I wasn't really confident of myself then because the last IPPT I took was more than a year ago and I didn't train hard for it. I really felt so much of just giving up when I was already making my way there.. I kept thinking I am already late and I really not very sure if I can do well for it. Worst off, when I got off from the train to make a transfer for the bus, it started raining again... That even demoralized me..cause the weather condition is already bad + never train + wet ground then like that how to achieve good results...

Anyway, I thought to myself, it's just a small obstacle. There are many other obstacles in life that we have to overcome. If such small obstacle,I'm afraid of facing it, how can I be successful?! With that, I focus myself that even if the test were to be cancelled, it shall not be my wasted time..the most I can still use the gym. However, to my surprise when I got there..the 2.4km run have not started as it was CAT 1(for safety precaution of risks from wet weather). I was surprised to see NSmen taking IPPT on the same day as me! I thought they would have like given up knowing that it was raining..

I registered myself and quickly did all the static stations as fast as I could.. But one fearful station was the standing broad jump which was my weakest or the most tricky due to the electronic system. I did chin-up first as I know it was the easiest..but in BMT, that was the killer..I couldn't even do 1! I was a zero-fighter. But now, I cleared that easily. The 2nd station I took was shuttle run..cause it's just run-only-mah..very hard to fail meh..yep..did that with ease..3rd station was the sit-ups..well,I totally didn't train for it, turns out I had some difficulty but still managed to struggle for the points. As for the final static station which was the SBJ, I hesitated damn long before taking..I even spoke to the PTI (Physical Training Instructor) about the number of attempts for it..cause I do know we're only given 2 tries..and in the case I didn't get the result I wanted, at least I can keep trying..thank God he assured me I'm allowed to make multiple attempts..haha..but in the end, it only take me the 2nd attempt to get a good score for it. With the help of the PTI as he guide me when I told him the score that I wished to achieve.

Next up- the 2.4km run. This is the most nerve-wrecking station..it's like you do well for all your static stations but if you don't do well for this, no matter how well you did for the static stations, it's pointless..to me la..for others,they have different perspectives about it. In the end, I didn't care as I know that would be my final obstacle. And I had to overcome it..

Indeed, it was exhausting but I didn't expect that I actually still have the time to think to myself to ACTUALLY RELAX MYSELF DURING THE FINAL LAP!! LOL! I could have gotten faster by a few seconds if I didn't have that thought but anyway, the timing was reasonable for me.

I guess you've already known the result..I also don't have to reveal..unless you just scroll down to this part without reading what's earlier on. Haha..Alright, just before I end this entry. Here's something which I should mend it down to keep myself reminded at all times..

"Obstacles will always be obstacles if we fear to face it. It is only when we overcome it can we know ourselves better. "

I don't know if anyone said this before but I think this quote described alot about me..I'm actually very capable and confident but I do not have the balls to do it. In life, there are many other things that I was hesitant and a loser who gives up even before trying. Therefore, this quote came to me today and I shall live by it. To be fearless of anything but courageous to face it like a man. That's the reason why I felt reborned today.

Memories

Best Friends
Sending James off as he further his music studies in UK.

Watching the movie The Smurfs with FOC mates.

Performing 说了再见 first time in SIM

UOL Bash @ ZOUK!

PartyWorld with FOC mates

Freshmen Orientation Camp
Group Shot at Singapore Universal Studios!

Finally ORD le..

A final picture before leaving the camp with Isaac

It's been days! I couldn't come up with an idea for the short film competition that I just registered for. Before army, my friends and I could come up with many interesting ideas to do some shoots.. I even directed a horror short film before...but that was so long ago..

Anyway, I'm just here to update some pictures to make this blog more alive! Looks dead to me with just words though...haha..wonder if anybody reads!? LOL!

Army-Half Marathon 21km Competitive

I didn't even think that I was gonna be selected, I used to be the last to finish, everyone in the team thought I was just doing it for the sake of doing..I felt demoralized in fact..but I kept training..and I trained hard for it..I ate healthily to even rejecting my friends' invitations to buffets and steamboats. I asked friends to join me for jogs at ECP but never cut short of the distances I've intended to run. Sometimes when they're unavailable, I still make the effort to jog on my own. Others even tell me that I was foolish to participate -should have stayed at home and not do anything about it. 2 months had passed, my trainer told me, "your timing has improved alot!" and a few said that I've slimmed. Those words to me have been my motivation to do better. Tmr's the big day - Army Half-Marathon 21km Competitive. I only trained so hard not because of the distance but to be able to tell everyone after the race - "I did it!"

I have this feeling..

Well, just nothing much to do so decided to blog awhile..I've entered SIM University of London. I've been their Freshmen Orientation Day, Freshmen Orientation Camp and Freshman Bash! Haha..I'm really a freshmen right now.. Got to know many new friends after all these fun activities. Hmm...anyway..I'm not sure if I'm having a crush right now...just have this feeling that's all..

Taking things in my own hands now

Just wanna blog on here about my feelings. Well, it's about a month's time before I'm officially ORDed. I've gotten a placing in SIM but I have to make a huge payment at a deadline which is really quite impossible knowing that the bank takes very long in their processing of my bank loan.

Returned from Genting, had fun there and learnt much life-skills too. In this world, you run your story. Don't let others write your book. They can be part of your book but they can never be the author. What I've learnt was all about myself. Being considerate to others, putting others before self, sacrificing what was intended for myself just to make things work for everyone on the whole. However, I often ask myself, am I happy doing all these?

No.

Then why am I still doing so? Reason is because I am myself this way. And since I'm like this, why is it that I'm not happy? This is one question which I do not understand...and not know the answer..I even thought of changing to become different but that wouldn't be me.. In this 'ugly' world, filled with so many 'ugly' people, it's getting quite hard to live in. Maybe who ever's reading this feels that this is just one of the many obstacles in life that we have to go through but I just felt that I've been through enough. Don't worry, I'm not going to end my life..Come on..I'm always optimistic..and ending one's life is the most stubborn thing to do.

Ever come across individuals who are very self-centered? Very grumpy? Very competitive? Very sly? Very sneaky? Very inhumane? If you have not, do not be afraid of them cause all you have to do is just watch them like you're in an exhibition. Best of all, visualize them as if they're in their enclosure and you're watching them behind a glass window. And just pity them. They may get all the things that they want but they never knew that they're alone. I used to give 'ugly' people chances which I should have not given because they seriously don't deserve it. It is indeed true that a leopard never ever changes its spots. You wouldn't wanna get bitten again.

Now that I know these characteristics of these 'ugly' people, I just have to beware when I see one. And instead of letting them have a bite off me, I will tame them like dogs and when they disobey their owners. They shall see how unforgivable I can be..

And to God, I do not know I should say sorry or to thank You. Sorry would be I might change to become different than who I am slightly and thankful would be that You changed me to become better or worst. I believe in You and hoped You could guide me.

It was my 22nd birthday..

It's my 22nd birthday. I thank those who wished me "Happy Birthday"s. Just basically on Facebook I had many frens who wished me. I was in camp today despite that I could have taken birthday off on my birthday but I had an important interview,therefore, I had to be in camp. So took it the next day off.

The interview was about the "NSF of the Year" award which I was nominated. In the interviewing room, there were many superiors of high ranks, about 7-8 of them seated across my table. And there were 10 nominees.I do hope they know it was my birthday based on the records that they can find..but I wasn't that type of person who would tell them that. Well, anyway, I was thrown with many questions about why I should be in the interview and not my friends etc..those were just normal questions that I could answer swiftly.

It came to the fifth question which struck me emotionally. I almost teared but held it back. One of the commanders asked about how would I convince my fellow comrades of those who are not motivated to serve the nation and how can I influence them to commit? I replied, " People came from many different backgrounds." I was then stopped by this commander before I could continue and he rebutted," now it's not about people's background or ...." and I didn't really bothered to hear what he wants to say as I'm the one who is speaking and I have to complete my statement. I continued, " My father...*paused...." then I was extremely overwhelmed by an emotion which I couldn't much describe..he's ..the..sole..bre-adwin-ner... of the... fa-mily...." and "I ha-ve two sib-lings...."after a long pause whereby I was controlling myself not to tear but my eyes were already very watery...and added on saying, "and of course...my mum..". And ended off saying, "this is the reason why I have to defend and protect them." There was a moment of silence in the room after I said that before another commander asked another question. And I took the chance to relieve myself but I believe everyone in the room felt my emotions. After the interview, I walked out of the room, tearing away..towards the toliet and wash my face. I saw my reddish eyes and there was an officer who came out of the cubicle and saw me. It was embarrassing but I made a quick exit after washing up. However when I was back in my bunk to change out my uniform, I teared again.. The emotion was unbearable..everytime when I thought about my father especially and following, my mum, I'll get extremely emotional and will naturally tear.. I do love them alot.

Though today the greatest achievement I had was to be nominated for the interview on my birthday, I wasn't really happy. Friends who wished me happy birthday...I appreciated it..I thank every single one..but they wished me happy, in the end, I wasn't. Maybe because I still feel that I'm lonely? Maybe I was exhausted..? I dunno..but I still feel that why I wasn't happy is because the people that I thought most of the time in my mind, didn't wish me happy birthday. The friends whom I cherished, cared, thought and loved most, forgotten my birthday. Well, I made an excuse for them thinking that they might be busy..Well, be honest, on your birthday, you would definitely want to see at least a message from the one that you cared most to be texted to you or call u right? Nevermind, I'll just live with that excuse I made for them.

Anyway, it's just a birthday.